Original Date June 27th, 2014:
We were warned from the start that there was a chance that things will always go from great to just good then from Bad to Worse. Well last night was one of those nights…
Both Hubby and I had gone home for the night and just as the sedatives had kicked in at 3 am the phone rang. It was the hospital, David had stopped responding to the ventilation treatments that they were trying, there was a chance that he wasn’t going to make it.
They told us briefly about an experimental treatment that may help him. We gave verbal consent over the phone and I made Hubby drive me to the hospital, since I was still on the sedatives. Once we go there, the only way up was through the emergency ward and we could only get up with a security escort. Once there, we were informed that the new ventilation aide had worked and his requirements had dropped and he was doing ok. I saw the crash cart in the corner and more than the normal amount of people going in and out of his bed side. This really hit home for me. This was the second time in 7 days that I really thought I was going to lose him. I curled up in the rocking chair at his bed side and just waeped. There was nothing that Hubby or I could do, so I just weaped and carried on.
I am his mom, I am suppose to protect him from the scary things, I am suppose to kiss the boo boos better and make them not hurt anymore. But what do you do when even medical science is just winging it to help your son. Where you cannot even touch him with out causing him pain. How do you find a way through all that…
When someone can find the answer to that please tell me. Its only been seven days and we have hit so many bumps that I am scared to sleep, answer my phone, or even leave. I don’t know if he is going to hear me tell him I love him, or if he thinks when I go and they have to give him needles or poke at him to see how he is doing while I am gone that I don’t care. Because I do care, I care so much that I don’t want to see him suffer anymore.
We have a meeting in the morning with a doctor about how far we want to carry his care, because, that scare was just the start and we are at the tail end of all our options already. how much can I as a mom put him through?
In the end is it for me…. or is it for him?