I don’t think I have ever talked about this in full detail, what it was like finally coming home from the hospital for good from the hospital with my tiny little man still on oxygen. And if you are a long time reader you know what I mean by the final time coming home.
When you are in the NICU you are in a panic for your little one and you want them to get better so you can go home. But when that time comes you want to pack up a doctor or two, a few nurses as well as all the equipment that your special one has been hooked up to for months on end.
I am talking about this now so many months later because its still hard to talk about how you were scared to care for your own child, that waited, hoped, and prayed for this moment and you suddenly don’t want it because you are scared something terrifying will happen. (In my case it did…. twice). That makes it even worse, you don’t sleep, you don’t eat you just hover and watch that tiny chest go up and down, up and down, and up and down. I refused to drive with just him and I, in a car for over a month when he came home because he was in a rear seat, and the baby mirror wouldn’t let me see his chest move, plus I knew I would be more focused on his breathing than driving. My mom, my friends and my husband probably thought I had lost my mind near the end.
When I first got pregnant I was talking to someone about co sleeping and i swore that wasn’t for me. (I am not knocking it, I just need my room to sleep and not worry about playing don’t squish the baby in my sleep), but after he was home for the final time, he was in my arms and I didn’t sleep at all. I barely trusted my own husband or parents to watch my son while I slept, showered or even went pee. I was that mom….. I hate that I was, and I hate the fights that happened because of it. But it happened and I cannot change that and looking back I kinda wouldn’t, because now I see how much better I am as a mom, I am not scared to let him crawl around or leave him along in his crib for 15 minutes so I can shower. I am now getting sleep at night, well nights I am not working I am.
You are not alone if you are feeling like you can’t do anything or trust anyone after you get home, you are also not alone of your excitement goes to terror as that day finally comes, and you become a whole family under one roof. Its normal, but remember that they wouldn’t send your little one home if they were not 100% ready. My case was one of those one off circumstances so please don’t think that will happen to you as well.
I hope this was a bit helpful!
Thanks for reading